My naturopath once asked me to think of a time when I was happy with myself just the way I was. I couldn't. I couldn't think of a time that I didn't feel like I was too big or too round or too whatever. I remember being 14 and feeling like my hands were too big. Seriously. My hands. I dated a dude who once asked me what my favorite body part was and I told him "my feet." I mean, come on! My feet?
I am very slowly figuring out that I'm not too anything. I'm very slowly figuring out that I am ok. It's not an easy or quick thing like flicking a switch. It's taking a lot of time and work to change my patterns. For a long time I told myself that I wasn't ok. I did it because to me, it seemed like everything that was suppose to be cool and interesting and edgy and sexy was skinny. I was totally and utterly had by all kinds of really dangerous images of the ideal. I still need to check myself. I still find myself comparing. Images are everywhere. It's hard to get away from it.
I don't want to be skinny. I want to be healthy. I want to be really strong and really fit. When I'm walking, I want to feel like I need to run. I don't want it because someone says I should. I want it because it will improve my life. I feel better when I don't eat a bunch of sugar and processed stuff. I preform better! I'm happier and nicer to my boyfriend! I already know this but knowing it has not been enough.
I really love real food. I love getting local, organic produce directly from farmers. I dig finding new foods and things that I haven't tried. Have you ever had sea asparagus? Oh man, that stuff is the most delicious salty snack! I think it's so important that we support local agriculture and food security. I know how awful over-processed and over-packaged foods are for people and the environment. Knowing and believing all that hasn't been enough either. Sometimes my emotions and desire to comfort myself with food win out over all that. Part of my goal in this is to change that. I want to change my idea of what "comfort food" is and to take back all that power that I lost and do what I say I do all the way, all the time.
I started at The Academy of Lions in the spring time. I got myself a Fab Find thing for a 30 day trial of a ladies crossfit boot camp. One of my pals had been going and really loved it. I committed myself to 3 days a week for the whole month. I kinda surprised myself my actually hitting every day. I felt really awesome right away. I felt like I found my thing. The vibe was so amazing. A mix of people socializing and pushing each other to do better, go faster, be stronger. I signed up for a year membership did a few more months steadily and then summer hit. I did some work traveling and had weddings and camping and blah, blah, blah. Lots of good summertime reasons that when I looks back, were not good enough reasons. The end of September hit fast and I got a "what's up with you" e-mail from Dhani. It was just what I needed to get out of faileo mode and back into feeling stronger, faster and better.
The challenge came up after being back for almost a month. I knew it was the kick that I needed. I didn't even hesitate to sign up. My boyfriend decided to be as supportive as possible by participating too. It has made it so much easier and more enjoyable to have him along for the ride. I actually feel like we have learned a lot about each other in the process and after almost 6 years that's pretty awesome. He says he is learning a lot about cooking and I feel like I have been a more patient and open teacher. I don't know if I would have survived this without him.
Faileo is not an option anymore.