Day 12 & 13: When Life Gets Tough...

The last few days have been some of the hardest in my life.  Life-changing and full of questions without answers.  Everything feels up to me and yet so out of my control.  Trying to make decisions without any real choice.  Both roads feel like dead ends. 

I love J with all my goddamn heart but the thought of never having a family is unthinkable.  The thought of a family without him is just as unthinkable.  So where does that leave us? What do I let go of?  See what I mean about the questions?  They're endless.  

Yesterday at work was torture.  I had to ice my eyes in the morning when I woke up just to get myself looking some level of "OK."  J made me a fried egg and I think I ate it.  I don't even know for sure.  Of course, everyone at work could see that I was not OK and every time someone asked I burst into tears.  Highly unprofesh.  I decided to take a few days off to get myself straight.

Last night we talked and talked and talked and I don't know if we got anywhere.  I woke up today in a world of pretending it was all OK.  It's just not OK.  It's the opposite of OK.  

I know this blog is about my paleo journey and maybe this is all too much information.  I know what people would say about the private nature of this stuff.  But I don't know how else to deal.  I talked openly about the pain of my miscarriage and it helped.  It helps to talk about it.  I know that.  It's also relateable because if I can get through this kind of hurt and pain and keep taking care of myself, I know that I'm getting somewhere.  Last night I wanted to curl up with a greasy cheeseburger and instead we went down the street to Whippoorwill for some really delicious and totally paleo-friendly eats.  It was quiet and dark so I was pretty comfortable crying a bit over my nest of shaved winter vegetables and seared tuna.

I'm going to go for a run.    

Day 11: I Hate Monday's

I went from the "I don't need to eat" stage to the "I need to eat a chocolate bar" stage.

When I really pay attention, it's amazing what I learn about myself.  The weekend are EASY for me.  I'm HAPPY on the weekends!  Worry-free!  Monday's are the worst and by the end of the day I had an extraordinary tension headache that I seriously felt would go away if I could only get home and dig into a bag of chips and some dip...any dip.  DIP!!  Have you heard of this magical headache/stress cure? No?  Pfft.

I'm currently sitting in bed with a tomato and some paleo pesto scrambled eggs.  I'm cheating on the mindful part but I am fully aware of it and giving myself permission.

No one's perfect all the time.  Least of all, me.  

Day 9 & 10: Spring Chicken

It was a lovely weekend but far too short and the "spring forward" time change offered nothing to help that.

Yesterday we trucked it to Brick Works for the Farmer's Market and Seedy Saturday.  The main objective was to hand out some handbills for a new project I'm working on (more on this to follow!) I bought a bunch of seeds and picked up some Food Share honey for a Braggot ale we're brewing this week.  We also grabbed some venison sausage for a future dinner!

In the evening, we went to a local joint for buck a shuck oysters before heading to the Queen Elizabeth Theater for the legendary Patti Smith.  The show ruled!

I'm in that stage (I remember it from last time) when I could easily forget to eat.  I woke up late this morning and grabbed a coffee from The Common and srom vegetables for juicing.  I juiced up a beet, cucumber, celery and carrots and had that for a late breakfast.  For lunch, I roasted a lovely bird.  A spring chicken! Cooking a bird is such a great and economical way to eat.  We get 3 decent meals out of one bird.  I stuffed it with lemon, basil, dill and parsley and shoved coconut oil under the skin to make it nice and crispy. I sprinkled lots of salt and pepper to finished it off and roasted it for about 40 minutes at 400 degrees.  We ate the legs with some broccolini when it was done.  For dinner, I pulled all the meal off the bird and used half to make lettuce wraps.  The bones and bits are in a pot with some vegetables making stock that I will turn into soup with the rest of the meat.  That will be lunch tomorrow. One bird = 3 meals!  Nothing is wasted.

 

Day 7 & 8

I've been in a hotel at the airport for two days for work meetings.  It's pretty cray!  It's times like this that eating gets HARD. Hotel's provide very CARB heavy food!  Muffins! Juice! Cereal bars! Toast!  Fruit!  Basically a paleo wasteland. I brought my own lunch yesterday and then had dinner at my pal Laura's. She made delicious shrimp with mushrooms and basil and steamed brussels sprouts and broccoli. SO GREEN!  Today I had peameal and eggs for breakfast and I'm about 30 minutes away from finding out if I'm going to be able to eat anything for lunch. I'll report back! 

Day 6

I made a very green dish of seaweed, brussels sprouts, onion, mushrooms shrimp and paleo pesto.  It was delicious!

Day 4 and 5

Day 4 happened!  It was good!  There were oysters from Bestellen involved and I'm still paleo!

Day 5 is happening!  Also good and also still paleo. 

Weekdays are busy but I will post something with substance tomorrow. 

Day 3: Procrastination

This blog post = me taking an unnecessary break from working on an assignment that is due TODAY.  Oops.  It's not overly challenging or complicated, just time consuming and annoying.

Yesterday I did a run and went to restorative yoga which was basically laying around stretching.  My kinda workout ;)

I'm still on track with paleo!  Even though I am totally craving doughnuts and layerd taco dip, I am still holding it down.  We just finished a very delicious dinner of almond meal and herb crusted pork loin with carrots and broccoli.  I was too hungry to take a picture but here are some other photos from this weekend.  See y'all on day four!

 Can't get enough of this book!  

From the water.

Day 2: Mindful Meals

It's only a few hours into Day 2.  I'm feeling much better today.  I woke up and tried to install a shelf in the kitchen--and FAILED.  J is on his way to Home Depot to get a proper-sized bit for the drill.  I think I need to upgrade the kitchen.  It's all grey and toupe and depressing.  I think a fresh coat of white paint would brighten it up so much!  I need a place I really want to hang, you know?

Last night, J got home late and woke me up.  I couldn't fall back asleep so I read a bit from Christiane Northrup's book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom.  I was reading the chapter on the female energy systems and chakras.  The third chakra related to the abdomen, upper intestines, liver, gall bladder, lower esophagus, stomach, kidney, pancreas, adrenal grand, spleen and middle spine.  The mental or emotional issues that can affect this chakra include self-esteem and self-confidence or self respect, adequacy vs. inferiority relating to competence and skills in the outer world, substance abuse, etc. This is the personal power chakra.  I think it's very important to me to keep it in my mind.    

After failing at shelf building, I made a frittata with kale, mushrooms, parsley and walleye from my parents.  I also made smoothies with blueberries, coconut milk, blueberry juice, and frozen cranberries. Ok--a small cheat went in there too...a mostly green banana (we had an organic box mess-up and I don't want to waste!)

We sat down to eat and I reminded J about giving thanks.  He said something like, "thanks for this food we are about to eat.  Do you want to add anything?" I thanked the farmers.

It felt good and I think we may have eaten a little slower and more carefully.

Something else I am working on is not having any gadgets at the table.  No eating to TV or Instagram or Gmail.  I am 95% more aware of what I'm doing when I just eat.

When you eat, eat.

 

DAY 1 (AGAIN!)

I am in bed with organic celery sticks and a bad attitude! Due to being slightly unprepared grocery wise, today was a challenge.

It started off not too bad with eggs scrambled in coconut oil and a smoothie with raspberries, cranberries, coconut milk, blueberry juice (the stuff that isn't even sweet at all!) and some macadamia nut butter.

I waited WAY to long to have lunch--like 3pm too long--I had soup and a salad.  When I got home I cried because the house was messy and someone at work hurt my feelings today and I was hungry and angry and just so emotional.  Maybe part of it was that it was a bad day and I couldn't just come home and eat it away.  I actually had to feel some of that stuff and it wasn't so easy.  

J came home and squeezed me and said nice things and I felt better.  We made a salad and some spicy calamari with yellow peppers for dinner.  I'm still hungry, hence the celery.  Such a sad little snack!


During dinner I asked him about dinner time when he was growing up.  Did they pray?  He said no but that he actually sort of liked the idea of it.  I suggested we do something before a meal to help us slow down and think about the food a bit.  For appreciation and gratitude.  He thought it was a good idea so I'm excited to try something out.  Some kind of food prayer.  Some way of giving thanks. We really are so grateful to have access to all kinds of delicious, fresh and wonderful things to eat.

Food Rules