Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Day 12 & 13: When Life Gets Tough...

The last few days have been some of the hardest in my life.  Life-changing and full of questions without answers.  Everything feels up to me and yet so out of my control.  Trying to make decisions without any real choice.  Both roads feel like dead ends. 

I love J with all my goddamn heart but the thought of never having a family is unthinkable.  The thought of a family without him is just as unthinkable.  So where does that leave us? What do I let go of?  See what I mean about the questions?  They're endless.  

Yesterday at work was torture.  I had to ice my eyes in the morning when I woke up just to get myself looking some level of "OK."  J made me a fried egg and I think I ate it.  I don't even know for sure.  Of course, everyone at work could see that I was not OK and every time someone asked I burst into tears.  Highly unprofesh.  I decided to take a few days off to get myself straight.

Last night we talked and talked and talked and I don't know if we got anywhere.  I woke up today in a world of pretending it was all OK.  It's just not OK.  It's the opposite of OK.  

I know this blog is about my paleo journey and maybe this is all too much information.  I know what people would say about the private nature of this stuff.  But I don't know how else to deal.  I talked openly about the pain of my miscarriage and it helped.  It helps to talk about it.  I know that.  It's also relateable because if I can get through this kind of hurt and pain and keep taking care of myself, I know that I'm getting somewhere.  Last night I wanted to curl up with a greasy cheeseburger and instead we went down the street to Whippoorwill for some really delicious and totally paleo-friendly eats.  It was quiet and dark so I was pretty comfortable crying a bit over my nest of shaved winter vegetables and seared tuna.

I'm going to go for a run.    

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